What good can come out of a break-up?

From pain to acceptance: how a break-up makes you a stronger person. 

Break-ups are hard for both parties, but particularly if you are on the receiving end. It might have come as a surprise, or the last straw in a slow decline. Intellectually, you know it’s for the best, but your heart still aches and your mind can’t seem to let go.

It is normal if the next few days following to be a struggle. Time definitely helps the healing, but understanding why the relationship ended can further ease the pain, mend the wound, and allow you move forward without negatively impact  your next relationship.

When you’re ready, let’s self-reflect:

What were his/her most attractive qualities? The physical, intellectual, sense of humor? Sometimes, a break-up will leave you heartbroken and your only coping is to decide to hate your ex. But focusing on the negatives only keeps you stuck in bitterness.  Recognizing the joys and positives is important because it helps you appreciate and be grateful that you met this person in your life. Also, it reduces the emotional intensity of anger and pain, thus allowing you to reflect more objectively and move forward.

What did you love the most about the relationship? This doesn’t necessary mean the person, but your general experience of the connection and interactions.  Maybe it was your friendship: you were best friends, he/she was someone you could be completely yourself with and share the most embarrassing thoughts. Maybe you appreciate how you share similar values despite different interests- you balance each other out. Or maybe, you simply enjoy spending time together and being in each other’s presence. This exercise helps you identify the needs that this relationship fulfilled for you, and the areas where it felt short, which could have contributed to discontent on either or both parties.

Why and how did this relationship end in this particular manner and during this particular time? Maybe looking back, you realize that this was never a good fit, and that you’d stayed for other reasons. Maybe you’ve decided to change your lifestyle and the break-up was leaving a toxic relationship. These and other insights will help you be more successful in your next relationship. Properly processing the loss will reduce the likelihood of passing on emotional “baggage” to your next partner.

If that resonates with you, we can begin the healing by adjusting your mindset and the narrative that you’ve created for this relationship. Of course, you miss losing the person– the personality, physical presence, companionship. But on a deeper level, you’re mourning the loss of what could have been.  For example, you saw the two of you starting a family, two children, vacations, family holidays. During your relationship, you have created an image of your future together. So once the relationship ends, that vision is also shattered. This is a deeper wound and tragedy than simply missing the person. But have faith because once you figure out what you’re really seeking in a romantic relationship, you will recognize when the next match comes along.

Every relationship is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and the world. Some experiences will challenge your fundamental assumptions of people, and others may re-enact previous wounds. Even if the break-up resulted mainly from the actions of another person, such as in infidelity, it is still important to consider your own responsibilities– was there poor communication? Why didn’t you two talk sooner? How did it get to this point? This attitude will help you through the roughest break-ups and make you a stronger person.

With that said the end of a relationship is tough! After all, you’re losing a companion, and in spite of the rough times, there were the best of times. So allow yourself some time to feel any mixture of emotions that might come up: sometimes there’s depression, anger, and guilt, but also relief! There’s no “right” way or length of time to get over a break-up, but with self-awareness and healthy coping tools, it can be less brutal that you’d imagined. Make sure that you have plenty of social support- friends, family, co-workers, and professionals if needed. Allow yourself to feel, accept, and process the loss so that you will be prepared and healthy when the next special someone comes along.

(Note: This article was written mostly in consideration for relationships without the existence of domestic violence or abuse, either verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual. In those instances, but as with all relationships, maintaining personal safety should always be the priority.)