Let fear be your guide

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” 

-Nelson Mandela

What is fear anyways? Well, the all-knowing Wikipedia defines fear as ” Fear is a feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in certain types of organisms, which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior, such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events.” 

Most of us associate it with a negative feeling that causes physical discomfort and should be avoided. I’d agree with the discomfort part – yes, it feels uncomfortable? But why does it have to be negative? Negative as compared to what? Negative is a judgment and perception. We can see anxiety as uncomfortable as well, but does feeling anxious before a big date need to be something negative? Well of course not. Here, anxiety is accompanied by excitement at the thought of interacting with such the most perfectly beautiful, intelligent, kind and witty human being you’ve ever met and who you really hope would like you back. 

So why do we feel fear. Well, often before stepping into the unknown, gazing into uncertainty, and anticipating the very real possibility of failure, pain and humiliation. Fear is an evolutionary emotion, which makes a lot of sense because when humans are facing such overwhelming possibilities, of course we should take one, or a few, steps back to carefully consider our next steps, or to simply say NO right away because we don’t think we have it within us to handle worst case scenario – when your worst fear becomes reality. 

Therefore, particularly for major like decisions such as quitting your job, taking a financial risk, committing to a serious relationship, or deciding to change careers, this one decision seems to hold the weight of the world on your future. 

SO MUCH PRESSURE!!!

You believe that the outcome of this decision is permanently irreparable, and dictate the rest of your life. 

OK, well maybe… Yes, life has many crossroads: do you go to graduate school or take that Wall street job? Do you take this pretty sweet deal now or wait out for something more profitable? Do you continue living your daily routines for the rest of your life or do you decide to change course?

But also remember that however massive the decision seems and perhaps is at that moment, with time and effort, most worst cases are salvageable  and outcomes reversed. Even if you threw in all of your savings and investments and quit your income flow for a new venture without a backup plan, even when everything falls apart, you can still put aside your pride and ego, start from the bottom, ask for help, work minimum wage, live with intense frugality.

No, not ideal. But seriously, right here right now, whatever you are struggling with, let’s picture the WORST CASE SCENARIO. Meaning if everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong and even things that should have gone right went to crap, and the outcomes from your worst nightmares become reality, what would that look like for you? Be detailed: 

1. Where are you?
2. What are you doing on a day-to-day?
3. What are the biggest changes?
4. What are the complete spectrum of emotions that you’d feel? (they may be mixed.)
5. How would the people around you treat you, or how do you PERCEIVE they’d judge you?
6. Is this now the end of your life?

If you are in fact thinking you’d end your life, I am telling you right now that you have to get professional help and backup for when and if that time ever comes. But the fact that you are even doing this exercise with me right now, means that you are willing to take on all of the terror and yet still hopeful and determined to find an alternative. 

So let’s talk BACKUP PLAN. Plan B. The Alternative. However you say it. Facing your fears or making huge decisions doesn’t need to be jumping off a cliff and throwing away everything you’ve ever worked for, or being impulsive, all all-or-nothing… in fact those are defense mechanisms for self sabotage, where if you were to fail, you’d tell yourself, well, I was so drastic of course things will go wrong. But resist that urge. There are many paths to get to the same destination, and making a plan can help you feel a sense of control, and it’s called being SMART. 

So an example:

You’ve been living your 8-4 / 8-5/9-5/6-7/etc etc. job for over a decade. It pays decent income and gives good benefits – you cover your family with healthcare, life insurance, decent matching 401K, and promises of moving up the ladder paired with salary raises. This has become routine, it’s familiar, it feels secure, it’s comfortable. You know that as long as you show up, do your job up to standards, ace your performance evaluations, and your company experiences no major downfalls (knock on wood), then things should hold steady. Or at least this is what you’ve come to believe to be Truth, and perhaps it is true. 

But now that your kids are growing up and the youngest soon to go off to college, the time you’d spent checking homework, attending school functions, and driving to activities are now empty, and all yours to spare! So with this free time, there is a silence in your mind, and without distractions, our thoughts begin to wander and you begin to wonder. Huh, you suddenly notice a sense of unease. Has it always been there? Then doubt rises: I’ve given my all to this company for years, and I feel valued, but is this the best that life has to offer? Wait, am I fulfilled? Am I HAPPY? Crap, there goes the big question. 

Now your mind turns back to your high school or college years when you looked up to those who had their own businesses and seemed to be very well-off and have leisure time. First let’s be clear, this is not all about money, but the FREEDOM of being able to CHOOSE how to spend their time, and choosing to focus more on the things that bring them joy. It’s the ability to spend more time with your family and friends, attending diverse activities because you are no longer bound by a structured time. That’s the DREAM! Yes, a dream. You’ve always thought that these things happen to “other” people, but not you. This seems too far beyond your reach. 

But listen closely, people do not fit into boxes or even if they do at one point, no one stays for their entire lives. There’s no Me, the “Others,” the Unimaginable. If something has been achieved by a human being, then as one of the same species, you have a pretty good chance too. That is, if you believe that you do, and you resolve to take action towards that goal, and not be paralyzed by fear. 

OK, so now the impossible is suddenly possible. We’re not sure how yet, but the concept now exists. So what’s keeping you from doing your own thing? 

Having food to eat, a roof over your head, and social support are basic needs of being a human, but even if you were left with zero financially, as long as you are able to put your pride and ego aside, and realize their this is temporary, you can enlist the help of others, lower your standard of living (for survival), and get a minimum wage job to keep you afloat. I guess you won’t know the details unless you get there, but the point is that there are ways. There are always ways. But it is important to list your worst case scenario, and for each one, rate on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most likely:

1. How likely is it for all these things to happen exactly as you are picturing at exactly the same time?
2. How confident do you feel that this is permanent?
3. How confident do you feel that you will have ZERO motivation or ability to survive this rut?

When you really force yourself to think about these factors, you’ll realize that you are simply letting the feeling of fear overtake you rather than trying to understanding the fear itself. 

OK, we don’t have to sit around and make a laundry list of all your fears, but at last, the most common fears are: Fears of…

1. Failure
2. Success

Those are actually not as different as you think. Failure is about being not good enough, not capable enough, not talented enough, etc. such that success just doesn’t belong in your vocabulary. Fear of success is the thought that if you actually succeed, that you’d need to maintain that high level of expectations, which you are not able to do, because – again – you are not good enough. It’s the Impostor Syndrome. It’s the fear that I don’t deserve success and happiness so if any of the good stuff comes my way, surely the rug will be yanked out under me sometime soon. I know. Both are very tragic. 

But I know you don’t want to go deep into Freudian psychoanalytical stuff, so to put it simply, when you are afraid, you have a physical reflex, which includes your cheeks burning and blushing, your stomach churning, a knot in your chest, increased breathing rates, your mood tanking, your outlook on life down in the dumps, etc. In general, yes, fear feels BAD, And we are taught to avoid BAD things. 

It’s sad that most people either don’t have the self-awareness or don’t have the courage to think beyond this crappy feeling. Instead, they tell themselves: “Uh… Yeah, but No, I don’t want to feel this so I’ll pass.” And there goes their dream. 

You are different! Reading up to this point,  you may recognize the person who is anxious and nervous, and yet, you believe that there’s more inside you. So consider that once that physical sensation dissipates, and what’s left is that detailed list of your worst case scenarios, is it really as bad as you’d thought? I mean maybe you’re still not seeing the light, but darkness now has some glow-in-the-dark arrows now doesn’t it? That’s the spirit!

Fear is a useful emotion. If a tiger is about to ingest you, you should definitely be terrified for your life. And aside from survival, it is OK to be afraid of anything and everything. Don’t try to shame or judge yourself, or others. Our biology, environment, experiences, and various other factors contribute to the levels to which we feel towards certain things in life. It’s OK. But the first step is self-awareness – you need to know what you’re dealing with. And if there’s that voice in your head that continues to nag you, then listen to it, and challenge why you’re REALLY afraid. This is an uncomfortable exercise, but the more something is uncomfortable, the more it requires courage, determination, and perseverance to deal with. So whatever the outcome is, you have grown, learned a few lessons, and built stamina. So the next time you face similar situations or feelings, you can say, “Hey, Me, you’ve done this before, and you got through it. This time, you will too. Just keep at it.”

Be curious, be courageous, welcome challenges. Say YES! to the very thing that you fear, and it’s a guaranteed step towards becoming, just in general, a stronger, more empathetic, deeper, and fascinating human being. 

Nice right?

You know how they say that anything worthwhile takes a lot of work (or something along those lines…). Well, Fear is one of those things. I mean, did you expect that getting what you want is super easy and feels warm and fuzzy as if wrapped in a luxurious towel? No. Because if that were the case, a. you would’ve already done it and we wouldn’t be having this conversation, and b. Everyone else have also achieved their full potential and every human being is happy and fulfilled. Seriously, if you want to do what others wouldn’t, they you need to put in the hard work and the effort. You have to do what other people DO NOT want to do. That’s how you get to the top. 

Eventually, if you face every challenge, pursue every dream, and attack every naysayer (mostly yourself) with the same energy and courage, then you have no choice but to keep building to success. The path may not be exactly as you’d imagined it to be, or perhaps you may not reach the thing you’d initially pursued, but you will success and joy is some way, shape, or form. It’s all about perception. When you reach the peak, you will KNOW instinctively that this is IT. This is YOUR success, YOUR happiness. 

Oh, always remember to thank and acknowledge the people who supported you and encourage you along the way. Even thank the people who demeaned you and doubted you, because they have you the fuel to prove otherwise. 

And if you are religious, or believe in a higher Power, or are Spiritual, give thanks to that which is much greater than yourself. 

And give yourself a pat on the back too. Get a little arrogant. Enjoy the fruits of your hard work. You deserve every bit of it!

Best wishes to you and may your dreams come true!