How to set Unrealistic Goals

I am a huge proponent of goal-setting, and more specifically, SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely).

I am addressing the “Attainable” and “Timely” components of the SMART goal, which basically refers to being realistic that you have the resources, skills, and capabilities to accomplish the task. This is important because when you are facing a huge challenge, being able to break down the monstrosity into smaller steps, and achieving these smaller goals one-by-one helps you build confidence and gain momentum to achieve your dream life. However, if you only dream based on our perceived capabilities in this moment, or based only on present information, then you are neglecting the fact that life changes constantly, and something may happen tomorrow that opens up unimaginable opportunities for you to accomplish much greater things.

For example, a 26 year-old male has been a manager at a tech company for the past 2 years and has been married for 3 years to the woman he fell in love with since sophomore year of college. The couple is planning for their first child, and has been researching the housing market. When he first received his promotion 2 years ago, he was ecstatic because it was only 1 year after he was hired and his friends and colleagues were envious that he met the woman of his dreams. But leading up to his third anniversary of employment at the company, he began to experience a sense of restlessness and disappointment that surprised him. On the one hand like has become safe, but on the other is it now boring and lackluster. He thought he had everything figured out, but apparently not, so he becomes frantic: “Why don’t I feel happy? I should be proud of myself! I should be grateful for what I have! And yet, I think I can do so much more.”

And that’s when he remembered: he’s always wanted to write a memoir about his backpacking journey at age 18, compete in the Ironman Triathlon, perform stand-up comedy once a week, become a board member for a nonprofit that supports youths interested in artistic careers, and travel to Vietnam, Japan, France, Italy, England, Australia, New Zealand, Colombia, Brazil, Argentina, and South Africa before he turns 30. But he is on track to becoming a senior leader, planning for his first child, and buying a home in one of the best school districts in Washington D.C. And then it hits him: if he continues down his current path, he would not have the time, resources, or energy to pursue his dreams.

“OK I know I sound ambitious, and when I talk about this stuff to my friends, they sort of laugh because I sound so idealistic.” He looked to me to side with either his idealism or insecurities. I did neither.

“What does it feel like to say these goals out loud?” I asked, “What is your inner dialogue right now?”

He paused, looked down at his feet, and pondered for a moment.

“Well…” he began slowly, “I was a super well-rounded student in high school, which is how I got into the #1 school in the country. I was the captain of my cross country and track team, I was in the Drama Club, I was a mentor at a local youth program, and my parents took my sister and I traveling during each of our school breaks. Plus, I was also acing all the difficult AP courses and stressing over standardized tests. So I feel like I’ve done this whole Superman thing before?”

I waited, allowing this realization to sink in.

“Actually, to be honest with you,” he chuckled, “these goals make perfect sense to me. I am actually pretty optimistic about my abilities, especially given my history, but as I’ve grown older, these things seem much farther and farther away from reality.

Then his face fell again. Another pause.

“So,” I finally broke the silence, “if you believe that you could, in fact, be “Superman,”, who’s the one saying you couldn’t ?”

He raised his eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

I spoke slowly, “If you’re saying that a) you’ve done this before, b) you are passionate about these things and c) you are confident in your abilities, what’s stopping you?”

“Oh come on,” he looked as me as if I totally missed the point, “I am on track to another promotion, Jess and I are thinking of buying a house next year so we’ve been cutting down on our spending, OH and I still have some leftover student loans. I can’t just suddenly decide to go off on my own, plus there is just no time!”

You see, he’s made some very valid concerns, but if he truly believed that these factors are enough to stop him, then why does his heart whisper to him that there is something more? Why is it so hard to let this go?

Well, after all, that’s why we are here.

The Elephant in the Room

So let’s talk about it. Let’s address the elephant in the room. What usually prevents us from dreaming so daringly?

First, we are very much influenced by our environment. Growing up, we are taught to abide by a set of rules and norms. The people we look up to are the mega-successful are the outliers, and they seem so magical that we can’t even conceptualize ourselves being in that group. Success seems to belong only to an elite group, with a high barrier of entry; it’s a group us average folks are never meant to fit in. Overtime, our identity becomes limited to what we are told to become and expected to believe, rather than based on our unique experiences and one-of-a-kind way of thinking.

Then there is self-doubt. Perhaps at some point in your life, you got a glimpse into what life feels like when you’re “living the dream,” or the experience of Freedom (see blog on success). But then we retreat, thinking, “Nah, that’s too good to be true. It makes sense why THAT person has accomplished XYZ, because he/she is so much more XYZ (beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, etc.) that I will ever be. So that is not for me. Even when other people see the potential in us, often we do not yet see it in ourselves.

The most well-known is of course, the fear of failure. Rather than viewing an event and the consequence as one of many of life’s moments, we take the outcome to represent who we are fundamentally. So it’s not just that something did not work out, but that it did not work out because we are a lazy, stupid, weak individual (or insert your own negative self talk). In fact, if you allow yourself to think so abundantly, then the fall (which you’re anticipating to be destined) will feel so much more painful and disappointing. So rather than to risk the possibility of success and possible failure, you’d just avoid these possibilities altogether.

Yikes! That is so much pressure and so much on the line. Of course you’d freak out. But maybe you’re just psyching yourself out, because think about it, if you were speaking to a friend, or even a stranger, would you tell them that one mistake can overshadow all previous accomplishments, or that one failure determines that they are fundamentally flawed? Probably not. (Or maybe yes, so then we should definitely chat). So why do you restrain yourself to this belief? Or is it just that – a belief that was ingrained in your since childhood, cultivated by the anxieties of society, and fostered by your own self doubt? But really, it’s only that you’re so familiar with this way of thinking that thinking BIG is uncomfortable, and thus avoided. So then… is this how you will live the rest of your life? In fear of a mere possibility, at the risk of losing all the possible amazing and surprising joys of life? If that answer is YES, nothing wrong with that. We can all empathize and it all makes sense. But if your answer is NO, or even just a MAYBE, or NOT SURE, then we can give ourselves the present of limitless possibilities

What is being Unrealistic?

Unrealistic has a negative connotation, but I like to think of it as Dreaming BIG beyond your assumed limitations. Because isn’t it all relative? What seems possible to me given my experiences, skills, mindset, may seem impossible to you. What seems impossible today, can become less so a day from now. If there are no limitations, no self-doubt, no lack of time and resources, what would make your dreams a reality? Don’t censor yourself, say the first things things that come to mind. When you feel the urge to follow up with a “But…,” so STOP, and just feel what it’s like to speak your mind. If our goal is to live each day to the fullest and believe that every day is a learning opportunity to challenge ourselves and get out of our comfort zone, then your present mind greatly underestimates your true potential.

For my client, believing that he CAN do what he’s been wishing for is a complete change in mindset. Suddenly, it’s not about doing something new for the sake of switching things up, such as “Oh I GUESS I can start training again” or “MAYBE I can talk to the owner of the comedy club” because once he became open to all the unforeseen possibilities, his limitation walls come crumbling down, and there’s no more hesitation. Now the question is not Should I do this? but rather Can I NOT do this without regret?

If you say “No Regrets” then it’s time to bite the bullet and restructure your daily routines. It’d be hard for my client get inspired by the thought of new responsibilities, such as “Oh now I have to wake up early to run in the cold,” or “Oh crap I have to sharpen those comedy skills,” but it’s a completely different game when the goal is about reclaiming his dreams, running towards his fears, and getting rid of the What If’s. When he’s determined to go all in but taking Attainable and Timely steps, then his actions represent something much greater: to self actualization and beyond. 

Also, it’s not that you have to throw out all of your previous goals and completely swap out your life. Who says you can’t start a family just because now you have to increase your triathlon training? Who says traveling has to be expensive and that you can’t also save up for a house? (Regarding traveling: we’ll discuss this at a future post.) You’d be surprised at how by changing one aspect of your life, you’ll also become inspired and more courageous to change other aspects as well. You’ll soon realize that you are your own inspiration.

So let’s start right now!

What you can do is:

1. Get it all out: Take a notepad, go to a quiet place, maybe somewhere beautiful, like nature. You can also open up a blank document on your computer if you find typing to be easier, although the act of writing by hand holds its own magic. Now you will brain-dump anything and everything you’ve ever even remotely wanted to have. If it feels overwhelming, try to set a timer for 20 minutes, and then start with the most recent thing you’ve wanted, something as simple as a T-Shirt, an overseas vacation, or becoming the next Bachelor(ette) (we’d have to clarify your motivations first). As you get the juices flowing, let your mind meander on its own. When you notice yourself slowing down to judge, “Oh that’s ridiculous” or “Pffft, you’re crazy!” just say NO and then keep going. The point is to not self edit, because some things we’ve buried deep inside and unbeknownst to you. You don’t know what you don’t know. Don’t worry. All that critical self-talk? They will also be addressed.
2. When you wake up in the morning, write down those goals again. And then take a moment to feel what it’d be like to actually achieve them: when you sprint across the finish line, when you receive a standing ovation, when you are on top of the Mt. Everest, as you watch the Northern Lights, cuddling with your partner by the fireplace on a frigid snowy day, whatever that may be. Allow yourself to take it all in. Be immersed. Smile at the pleasure and enjoyment. Let yourself get carried away. What do you have to lose?
3. Begin to talk about it. Are you afraid of someone laughing at you or telling you it’s impossible? That’s great! You want to know what you’d have to put up with, fight off, and overcome as you pursue this journey to greatness. A lot of the critics and Nay-Sayers have let go of their own dreams, so you bring up their regret over what could have been, self deprecation, and an effort to justify their choice. And for the people watching you in amazement, with a smile on their face, and providing words of support? Take that in! The people who have not given up know how to use other people’s dreams to fuel their own inspiration and determination. That’s your tribe!
4. This may sound counter-intuitive but during this same sitting, write down your worst case scenario. In Stoicism philosophy, this is known as negative visualization. You allow yourself to fully worry and face your fears, rather than running away from them. Then ask yourself: If the worst came to pass on every aspect, would the effects be permanent? How can I reverse the negative consequences? What is the likelihood that this scenario actually occurs? Where are these fears coming from? Challenging your negative self-talk takes the power away from fear, and once you accept that fear is not an enemy but a motivator, you can use it to fuel your passion and drive.

So be completely UNREALISTIC and just Go For It! The decision to dream BIG, and I mean in magnitudes and exponential growth, is to rip off the Band-aid and throw ourselves into the deep end or, rather than staying stagnant in obligations, peer pressure, self doubt, and fear of failure. You know that you are meant for me. 

What are your dreams and how will you get there?