Expressing relationship needs and expectations

Neediness has a negative connotation of someone being insecure or overbearing.

But in all relationships, especially romantic, aren’t we all in some way shape or form trying to satisfy some unfulfilled needs? “Need” doesn’t necessarily refer to  a void that is the source of someone’s unhappiness or low self-esteem; it can simply be our innate desire to connect deeply with another human being. The “need” isn’t survival, but to further enrich and enhance our experience of being alive.

Some of us have been told in the past that we are too demanding or high maintenance, that have that be the reason

When we over-compromise, we deny ourselves, but it doesn’t fully address the situation at hand. Except that now your partner assumes that you are perfectly content, and he/she has no plans to change. But now you’re stuck because even as you’re discontent, you are too afraid to ask for me in fear that you’ll lose the other person altogether.

That is perfectly understandable, but let’s think long-term. Over time you become resentful that you are giving more than… By no means is love a tit for tat, nor do we keep score, but reciprocity and mutuality are important components of a healthy relationship. If we truly care about the other person, wouldn’t we want to give them everything they’d ever want and more? Wouldn’t we want the same for ourselves?

While it is normal and healthy to be flexible in your requests, be aware and honest about the non-negotiables, whether it’d be the frequency or depth of verbal, physical, or sexual communication. But actually, often it is not about the needs themselves, but the meanings behind them. It’s about communication and how willing the other person is to truly hear us, validate us, and demonstrate love with actions, not just words. It is better to be upfront and realize early on if they relationship is the right fit for you, rather than to stay silent, only for the heartbreak to surface later.

For a couple, each individual is uniquely shaped by his or her own bio-psycho-social experiences, starting from childhood. To the extent that each of us have varying sets of expectations, we should be aware of that fact, and be open to new ideas and ways of being.

Depending on whether this has been a point of contention and the depth of the relationship intimacy, some topics need a bit of time to evolve first before it needs to be specially addressed. For example, take communication. How do you guys keep in touch during the time that you are not physically with each other? Are you someone who likes to text “Good morning” or check in throughout the day with a “How is work going?” How quickly do you expect a response? Do you have to talk everyday or just check in before a date? Different people have different preferences and styles. An aspect such as the length of time for a response does not necessarily indicate how much he or she care about you. Believe it or not, some people do not check their phone every few minutes! Some people prefer to silence their phones during work or in general don’t carry their phones physically. Or perhaps yes you are being ignored. But how do you find out? Rather than wasting time and energy guessing, the best things to do is to ask and talk about it!

Needs, wants, and expectations are important discussion topics for any long-term intimate relationship and there is an art to these conversations. If you are feeling nervous and awkward about thinking about this prospect, but that’s completely normal! It takes trust and courage to open up and be vulnerable to another person. A coach can help you gather your thoughts and role-play some of these conversations. Coaching gives you more clarity and confidence to be yourself and genuinely figure out if the other person is right for you.

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next step? Whether it’s yes, no, or unsure, we can figure it out together. Get started with your initial consultation!