Do you care about what others think of you?

S-U-C-C-E-S-S
It’s one of those big words- overused, overrated, vague, exhilarating, and yet somehow always ever so out of reach.
But although the word is much embedded in our society, what is the actual experience of success?

Hmm where to begin…?

Well, to start with the basics, the dictionary defines success as:

1. “The accomplishment of an aim or purpose” (Oxford Dictionary).
2. “Favorable and desirable outcomes,” and “the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence” (Merriam-Webster).

Clients often seek out coaching when they find themselves at this moment in time, which is sometimes brought on by a specific trigger, but other times it’s the last straw in what has been a long span of  feeling dejected and monotonous. 

When my grandmother passed away a year ago, I suddenly began to reflect upon my own mortality and whether I was living my life to the fullest. I realized then that despite my Princeton and University of Chicago degrees, and a rewarding job as a psychotherapist, outside of work I oftentimes felt lost and wary, and my days seemed to blend together, separated by weekends. 

In my profession, I ask my clients many of these very deep questions: What led you to therapy? Why are you unhealthy? What do you think is your purpose in life? Where are you in leading a life of joy? What are you doing to be of service to this world? What is your dream life?

Soon, I began to ask myself these same questions and realized that No, I was not happy with the purpose of my life. Between my full-time and part-time jobs, I always had the excuse of “WORK” to explain why I could not hang out with my friends during the evenings and weekends, why I had no time for volunteering and learning new hobbies, and why I so neglected self-care. It was also difficult to ask for help because people often assumed that the success I have had on paper naturally reflects my internal state of mind. I thought that if I talked about my unhappiness, other people will simply look at me quizzically and wonder, “Well, what’s her problem? What does she have to complain about? She seems to have her stuff together, and she’s feeling bad about herself? #Firstworldproblems?” 

But I knew that if I wanted to help other people to live with authenticity, then I must do the same. 

That’s when I resigned from my job, and embarked on a 5-month journey throughout Southeast Asia, traveling and working remotely with a group of 34 other participants, living month-to-month in Vietnam, Thailand, Japan, Malaysia, Singapore, and Bali. While working full-time as an education counselor and consultant, I learned how to balance work with experiencing new cultural activities and to build strong relationships with my Tramily. For someone who is an only child and has never had a roommate throughout college, I actually lived in a 9-bedroom house! In addition, I felt the freedom and empowerment of living on only 1.5 suitcases of belongings, overcame my fear of heights through zip lining and rock climbing, discovered the art and science of traditional Thai cooked, experienced the musicality and athleticism of Japanese Taiko drumming, rode the bullet train, ran to the top of mountains and temples, witnessing the sunset and sunrise overlooking entire cities, spent New Year’s Eve watching the fireworks from the most famous vantage point in Singapore, and so much more. Each day presented a new challenge, a chance to get out of my comfort zone, so I grew personally, professionally, and socially at an astounding pace. 

Returning to the U.S., I finally understood for me, that experience of success isn’t necessarily defined by a set of external criteria, but rather an internal landscape of quiet confidence, a safe sense of social acceptance by people who know both my strengths and areas for improvement, and to be self-sufficient in meeting my basic needs while also having the expendable energy, resources, and time to cultivate my hobbies and to give in to a few indulgences. Success also means waking up each morning feeling unrushed to get dressed, enjoying a long run outside (preferably in nature), being present in my daily tasks and experiencing a general sense of fulfillment, and at the end of the day having a space to shut down the senses and organize my belongings. It is not about money or doing NOTHING, but to not trade time for money, and rather be able to allocate my time to meeting new people, working on myself, giving back to society, and expanding my creativity. Does that sound too good to be true? Well, for me, I had to take the first leap of faith to experience a taste of freedom, and once I gained self-awareness and learned more about myself and my dreams, I could never go back to the complacency and settling only for the sake of security and avoiding fear. 

True success is internal, because no matter how much other people praise you, validate you, and envy you, if you cannot receive the same sentiments, then that’s all useless. The thing is that the only person who can truly determine our success is ourselves. Other people can remind us when we are feeling down but ultimately, we have the last say.

Having said all of this,we don’t have to have this all “figured out.” It’s not about getting to some endpoint, but rather living each day as part of the process of self exploration and ask myself every morning, What are my priorities today? Do they align with my values and goal positively impacting others? If I can only do 1 or 2 things today, what would make me feel a definite sense of accomplishment? The answers may differ day-by-day and depending on your stage of life, but even if you are at a point where you are only beginning to think about this topic and are not yet ready to make the first move, then continue to reflect, observe, and set goals. Overtime, your mind will adjust to an attitude of abundance, and you too can have the courage to live a life of authenticity, passion, and joy. To me, that is true experience of success. 

So I hope that in 2019, you can boldly examine your own lives and really ask yourself if you are being true to yourself and living with authenticity. Start off small and then progressively increase the challenge: 

1. What is something you used to enjoy doing but haven’t had the “time” to do recently? Take some time and treat yourself of those simple pleasures and joys. 
2. Who are the people who positively impact your life? They don’t have to follow the same career paths as you, or share the exact same beliefs, but find the people with whom you share mutual respect and support, while challenging each other. Find your community. 
3. What brings about the simple joys? Taking a walk through nature? Enjoying a cup of frozen yogurt? Looking up at the stars? Or maybe just giving up your seat on the bus or holding the door for someone else. Do something that makes someone else’s day special. 
4. What takes you out of your comfort zone? Everyday, do something that scares you, make you slightly uncomfortable, so that you get used to challenging yourself and living in a constant state of learning and growth. Say Hi to a random stranger, visit the museum, take music lessons, eat out in a restaurant all by yourself (no books or phones, just mindful eating), or simply do NOTHING without feeling the stress of needing to be “busy” ALL the time (I am definitely struggling with this one). 
5. Finally, just take time to reflect. Try to journal your thoughts and feelings, so that perhaps you may look back later to review how you’ve grown. Self-reflection tracks your progress, opens your eyes to your true experiences, and gives you the opportunity to adjust your mindset. 

So there you have it. YOU are the only person who can define and validate your personal experience of success. 

What is your first step and how can you get started TODAY?